Every time I’ve ever moved to a new apartment, I’ve felt as if I was starting a new life. This weekend I’m moving and I should most likely be excited, but I’m not. I rather feel dull and uninterested — yet not depressed. It’d just be another weekend that I won’t get to sleep or rest and by Monday I’d be sleeping in a different habitat.
Whatever it’s in my head right now might only be described as a feeling of NOTHINGNESS (not WORTHLESSNESS), of having no interest in anything. Regardless what this feeling really is, it’s plagued me for the past two weeks or so. I haven’t even really watched the movies that I’ve rented from Netflix or TV for that matter — well other than Sherlock (https://christiannoob.wordpress.com/2010/11/sherlock-holmes/) and Jerry Springer (http://www.jerryspringertv.com/). I’ve rather slept, listened to lots of music, written lots of material and read whatever MOBI and PRC files in my BlackBerry.
It’s as if my life had stood still while seeing others go through their lives. I’m not sure what I might be missing right now. At least, I feel good when writing or playing with my children — a mere handful of minutes spread through out the day.
Several times in the past, I’ve felt a void that no drugs or religion have been able to fulfill (https://christiannoob.wordpress.com/2010/07/oh-mercy-oh-god-happy-pill/). I’m not sure if this void’s the same nothingness that I feel right now. If it were, I know that my faith has usually filled that sort of void.
Then again it might just be my medication taking my joy away (bad side effect), not only my anger and anxiety (BPD & OCD). In the end, I’m walking through life as the undead (zombie) from a bad science fiction movie with no feeling or care.