The Christian Noob (n00b)

born & raised Catholic, now going to a Presbyterian church & still learning

defensive mode

Since my early adolescence (as far as I can remember), I’ve been on a constant defensive (almost fight/flight) mode. This state of constant anxiety’s been deeply embedded in my psyche for so long that it’s second nature to me.

If someone makes a comment about me, I respond back as if I needed to protect myself from serious harm. I don’t even know when to say thanks for a compliment. Maybe this is rooted from not trusting anyone ever since I was a little kid.

Since trust’s a huge issue for me, I’ve learned to “see” and feel if I can trust someone. Although I’m hardly wrong, I often ponder how much of what a “trustworthy” person might not be completely true (white lies, plain lies, etc). Of course, when a person does lie to me (betrays me), I end all relation with him/her — including family and “real” friends.

At same time, if someone tries to touch me (including shaking hands, greeting), I tend to move out of the way and avoid being touched — like a cat. When I do allow someone to touch me, I’m still fairly uncomfortable having my face touched. As much as I need an explanation to my action, I tell myself that I don’t like being touched or that I’m simply mysophobia (cleaning and/or disinfecting everything, washing my hands constantly). I wonder if perhaps I could have some level of sensory dysfunction or mild level of autism. Then again, it could go back to not trusting anyone.

This state of alert and fear — in the other hand — has helped me in events of danger. I’m usually aware what’s going on around me at all times (excessive control of my surroundings, close to paranoia). It also comes in handy when dealing with life and death situations and decisions. I’ve usually been the one (in group) with the cool head — what’s made some call me cold-blooded.

At the end of the day, I could simply be sicker in the head than what my psychiatrist believes or just be “tortured soul” (as a friend once called me).


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