Since my son started having seizures, I opt not to do anything at night — like going to church at night except for Christmas Eve (so far) and Maundy Thursday in about three weeks’ time.
Hence I haven’t gone to mid-week services (non traditional, informal worship with music) or been part of any small group (Bible study, fellowship and as well as lots of eating at times) for a while. As much as I miss going to these services and/or gatherings, I feel that me going to work and church (Sundays) is a risk in itself. Most importantly, right now, I need to be with or near my two younger boys in case of emergencies. At the same time, I feel miserably trapped for the same reason. I’m either ungrateful knowing my child’s well (for the time being, at least) or too selfish to give of myself to him.
Getting off the topic a bit, this morning, I was reminded once again that my son may be sick as punishment for the bad (evil, sin, etc) things I’ve done, but there was a slight difference. This time around I was told that this so-called punishment might be for something that my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents or whatever number of generations ago some distant relative might have done wrong (evil, sin, etc). I’d hate to think that this is the reason why my son’s suffering every second of his life. Could it just be the result of karma?
Of course, it could simply be a matter of bad genetic material. My paternal grandmother was an annoying racist second-generation Italian bitch of a school teacher. My father shows lots of signs of manic depression (BPD), which I always tied to our quick-tempered Italian blood, and a pathological liar hence being a lawyer. As I’ve mentioned before, for the past five years or so I’ve been treated for several mental disorders (BPD, OCD and ADD) and my son was born with a variety of disorders (epilepsy, allergies, etc).
Then again, it could simply be a curse (witchcraft). My father and part of my maternal family practiced it on occasions. Said all this, I’ve been cleansed at least once and cursed several times. Needless to say (type), a curse is as good as the person doing it and the belief in the recipient (in this case, me).
I truly don’t know where my Christian faith is in all this. Maybe my Pagan beliefs have taken over my rationale — once again proving that I’m a sham of a Christian, never true to the faith.